When Cross Ruled
by lawlietlivesforever
Summary: What would happen if Cross was in charge of his own country? Oneshot


It was a warm day in the err… _interesting_ Country of Crossland. The assistant who was slowly losing the will to live headed into the president's office. In his arms were files containing the many problems that plagued their land. He sighed heavily as he pushed open the door.

"Good Morning!" Came the bold voice of President Cross Marian. He was sitting at his desk, cigarette in one hand, glass of wine in the other. He seemed completely untroubled. The assistant groaned inwardly as he began another attempt to talk some sense into his leader.

"President Marian, we need solutions for these problems, urgently!" For a moment it seemed that Cross hadn't even registered his speech, but then, swirling his wine glass, he responded.

"Oh, there's no need to rush, I'm sure we'll be able to solve everything in time." The assistant paused for a second to consider the fact that the president was drunk. Then he remembered that Cross was always drunk. The only thing he liked more than alcohol was probably women… The assistant wondered if he could get a job in another country before starting to explain one of the very many problems the country had.

"Sir, we're in tremendous debt." He began.

"It can't be THAT much." Cross replied casually.

"We're in more debt than America. We're pretty much fucked here…"

"Well then, we can just borrow more money!"

"Sir, I'm not sure you understand how debt works. You see-"The assistant began before Cross cut him off.

"Oh Steven…" Cross began

"Sir, my name's not-"

"A young man like you wouldn't understand this, but you see John-"

"Sir, I'm called-"

"I simply have a face one can't refuse! People can't say no to me! I' m just too beautiful."

"I don't think that's the-"

"Do you understand now, Timmy?"

"My name's-"

"I can just borrow money form one of my many friends!"

"You see sir, that's the problem. We owe too much money to random places."

"Hey! Those people are all my friends, not random strangers all over the world!"

"We owe $100,000 to a mango stall in Dubai! How many mangos did you even BUY?" The assistant asked, exasperated (and also slightly confused about the plethora of mangos)

"I like to take care of my citizens. Mangos are there for us. Through thick and thin." Cross continued to swirl his wine glass happily. The assistant sighed as he thought that it would be better to move on to the next topic.

"There's also the completely stupid decision you made to replace the water fountains in schools with fountains that distribute wine." To be honest, the assistant couldn't even begin to think about how idiotic the idea was, or how on earth it even got into Cross's head.

"Michael…" Cross began,

"Sir, it's Dave…" The assistant corrected, hoping Cross would hear him.

"I don't think the results could be that bad, could they Jerry?"

"It's Dave, and the results are pretty terrible." Dave set the files down on the small space on Cross's desk that wasn't covered in alcohol and then pulled an Ipad out of the satchel he was wearing and showed Cross a video of a class of students, clearly drunk. Several of them were on the floor, and the teacher was lying sleepily at her desk.

"One plus one is TWENTY-TWO!" Came the drunken chorus, followed by laughing. The teacher slowly raised her head a little bit off the desk.

"Well done. A+'s for everyone!" Was barely audible from the teacher, before her head slumped back down and she began to snore. Dave looked at Cross, willing him to realise the faults in his plans. Cross stared at the finished video for a few seconds.

"Aren't our people so intelligent?" Cross asked, completely oblivious to the problem. He continued to sip his wine calmly. Dave looked at him for a second, more confused by how Cross had gotten to that conclusion.

"Sir, I'm sorry, but what the fuck? What makes you think that the students are so intelligent?" Dave asked.

"Alphonse…"

"It's Dave."

"The fact that they're still speaking after all the alcohol is extremely surprising, We're raising a country of hardened alcoholics."

"Since when is that a GOOD thing?" Dave asked incrediously.

"You'd be surprised how useful it is to be able to down inhumane amounts of vodka and not be affected by it." Cross responded, draining his glass of wine and then re-filling it.

"Speaking of vodka, do you know how much money we owe Russia?"

"It can't be that much, Mario." Dave paused to think _Mario? Really?_ for a second before continuing with more pressing issues.

"This is Russia we're dealing with, they aren't going to screw around, They'll hunt us down and then they'll fucking kill us. How are we going to fix this?"

"If their leader is a woman, I can seduce her." He smiled craftily over his wine glass, looking pretty creepy with a cigarette in his mouth and a wine glass in his hand.

"I think that their leader's a man…" Dave replied uncertainly.

"It'll be hard, but I guess I'll have to. For the good of this country." Dave looked at him as if he was insane.

"Sir, how the hell did you become president?" Dave asked, utterly puzzled as to how such a disastrous choice was made.

"I seduced the last president." Cross replied, showing Dave a cunning smile. _Well that figures_, thought Dave.

"You can't be THAT good." Dave said, looking at Cross. Cross smiled, and thought _Challenge Accepted_. He stood up and gestured to his chair.

"You look stressed, Why don't you sit down and let me give you a massage?" Dave looked unsurely at Cross before sitting down. Cross handed him a glass of wine and began rubbing Dave's shoulders. Dave relaxed for a moment, thinking that he needed this break. Half an hour later, he was lying on the floor, remnants of the wine which had come from the bottle spilled all around him, empty glass in hand.

"Dammit! He's excellent." Dave whispered to himself.

"I am, aren't I, Allen?" Cross answered, sitting on the floor, holding another bottle of wine (seriously, how many did that guy drink in a day? Probably enough to stock a small store.)

"It's Dave. Wait… wasn't Allen the name of your…" Dave stopped. He didn't even want to think about that. He sighed, wondering what kind of torture Allen would have been put through during his time as Cross's apprentice. Cross ignored Dave as usual and carried on speaking while Dave got up and tried to gather up the remains of his dignity.

"Any other problems?" Cross asked, seeming more relaxed than normal now for some reason.

"Well, yes!" Dave responded, still trying to remove terrifying thoughts of Cross from his head.

"What else could possibly be wrong?" Cross asked, finally seeming to show a shred of concern for his country.

"Half of the women in this country work as strippers or prostitutes!" Dave said. Although he had to admit that one DID have some benefits.

"You say that like it's a bad thing." Cross replied.

"That's because it IS!" Dave replied, "Women have less chance of doing anything other than menial jobs or providing 'adult entertainment'. If you don't do something now, then they will eat you alive!" Cross did not seem worried at all. Dave sighed. Did Cross value his life at all? Or did he think that he could them, too?

"Well, Uh… I don't know. Provide more education opportunities for women?" Cross suggested. Dave paused for a second. Did Cross just have a legitimate idea? What was happening with the world?

"That's… that's a good idea…" Dave said, shocked.

"All of my ideas are good, Christina." Cross replied, smiling.

"Christina? Seriously? It's DAVE!" Dave was really starting to get really angry now. He was sure that any moment now, he was going to go insane and pretty much kill Cross. He even wore a fucking NAMETAG for god's sake! How could Cross not…Ah..._Wait,_ Dave thought _He's only doing this to piss me off_. Dave was sure he couldn't take any more of this.

"Any more problems? Or are we all good here?" Cross was still casually sipping his wine as if nothing was wrong.

"Well of course there are!" Dave said. Cross had a way of simply making Dave get angry all the time. He was sick and tired of his job here. Maybe he needed to escape. Even going to a mental institute to get out of there seemed like a good idea. In fact, Dave was pretty sure he was going to need therapy for all the anger and stress he had pent up.

"I think you're getting a little worried over nothing, Lee." Cross said. That was it. Dave had just had ENOUGH! His blood was boiling and he was about to kill Cross. He picked up a whiskey bottle up off the table and threw it to the ground. It shattered and the remaining whiskey was absorbed by the alcohol-soaked carpet (That thing was a deadly fire hazard)

"MY NAME IS DAVE! DAVE! AND YOU'RE RUNNING THIS COUNTRY INTO THE GROUND!" Dave yelled. Cross paused, and for once gave Dave his full attention.

"YOU BECAME PRESIDENT, EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT POLITICS, ALL YOU DO IS DRINK, SMOKE AND HIT ON WOMEN!" Dave was more furious than he could ever remember being.

"Sometimes men too…hen I have to" Cross corrected.

"DON'T YOU GET IT? YOU'RE THE WORST PRESIDENT EVER! BEFORE YOU CAME INTO POWER, WE WERE ALRIGHT!WE WEREN'T THAT POWERFUL, BUT WE HAD A NICE, HAPPY PLACE TO LIVE, AND YOU DESTROYED THAT! WE DIDN'T NEED A SHITLOAD OD WHORES AND STRIPPERS! WE DIDN'T NEED A PRESIDENT WHO THINKS THAT THE BEST WAY TO GET OUT OF A PROBLEM IS SEDUCTION. WE DIDN'T NEED YOU!" Dave stopped, breathing deeply, he realised that he was leaning over Cross's desk as if he was about to push it over. Cross just looked surprised.

"Well…Dave… I'm sorry you feel that way."

"You're SORRY TO HEAR THAT I FEEL THIS WAY! IS THAT ALL YOU CAN SAY? DON'T YOU KNOW WAT YOU'RE DOING TO THIS COUNTRY? YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED! I…I FUCKING HATE YOU!" Dave stared at Cross for a second, waiting for his response.

"So is that all, or is there anything else we need to discuss?" Cross asked cheerfully.

"I QUIT!" He yelled and left, slamming the door behind him, Cross remained in his seat, still sipping his wine. Today had been pretty eventful.

* * *

**A note of where the other characters would be**

_Allen is a reluctant male stripper_

_Linalee is sadly a prostitute_

_Lavi is a pimp. As far as I know, he's very happy with this arrangement_

_Komui is a hobo who lives in a box_

_Kanda left the country as soon as Cross came into power._

_Bookman went into a library and refused to come out._

_Timothy was too young to enjoy the entertainment_

* * *

**HOPE YOU LIKED IT! SPECIAL THANKS TO foryourentertainment2 FOR GIVING ME THIS AWESOME IDEA! (AND DRAWING ME A CERTAIN PICTURE HAHA!)**


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